All Kinds of Love

It's funny how different things can be & how they can both be so right & so wrong. In the past year & a half, I have ended two relationships that I considered serious & the only serious relationships I have ever had. I tend to be fairly introspective & retrospective following a breakup, evaluating & reevaluating myself, the person I was with, the things I liked & disliked, & the goal I have for the person I want to be & the person I want to eventually be with.

It's hard to leave a good thing & in both situations, I left something very valuable to me behind. With Anthony, I felt so overwhelmed with love. He did everything by the book. The boy really loved me. He knew my favorite flower & my favorite candy & left them outside of my home when I'd had a bad day. He took me to the French restaurant I wanted for our one-year, & every Valentine's was special with flowers & gifts & dinners & movies. He loved me well but he also wanted me to do what he wanted, & we fought frequently because I resented his attempt at control. His love was smothering. I virtually quit my social life with him & hung out with the prescribed friends we shared - his or mutual wakeboarding friends. I had nobody of my own. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't what I wanted. I tried to escape several times, actually ending it once for a week & trying to end it multiple other times. I tried to enjoy nights out with friends but it was hard when I knew he'd pick me up, drunk, & guilt-trip me for the rest of the night because he didn't like me when I drank. I'd invite him out to join me & my friends, & he'd be mad that I kept tripping in my heels. He was always the designated driver, always the responsible one, always the one who wanted me to be serious & not as much fun. So I became serious & not as much fun. & I watched my old friends slowly disappear, & I watched a hedge growing between me & the people I cared about - a hedge that he planted & nursed daily. I brought him to parties with me, where he'd sulk unless I talked exclusively to him & wanted to leave early.

I reminded myself of all of the wonderful things he did - how his way must be right because he was such a good person...& he was. But he wasn't good for me at all. When I ended it, my heart split in two, but only because I knew I had so deeply hurt him. We cried & cried, & it was one of the hardest things I've ever done but in truth, I was relieved. I felt free. I spent the best summer of my life then the best two semesters of my life to wrap up my undergrad. I met more people & had more fun in nine months without Anthony than I ever had in the three years that my life was consumed by him. I didn't regret my time with him; I learned a lot, & we went through a lot together. But I was so happy to be out. & he'd thank me now - he marries his now-fiancée sometime this year. & I am happy because he is a wonderful person, & he deserves a wonderful life.

But then I moved on. I fell in love with someone that didn't work out, & I was physically sick with a broken heart. Then in the midst of that sickening angst, I met Al. It's always funny how the right thing can just fall into your lap, & he was 100 percent the right thing for me. I met him upstairs at one of my least favorite bars in Athens - but one that I frequented with friends for cheap drinks, despite the typically freshman crowd. I saw a girl I knew & liked from my women's studies class, who was British, & she introduced me to some of the international students she was out with. In a matter of minutes, Al had pulled me away from the group, charmed me with his Aussie accent (which I originally thought was an act), monopolized my attention, & got my number. I left for another bar shortly with my friends, thinking that like every other boy in that college town, I'd never see him again. But the next day, he texted me. He wanted to meet. I wasn't sure; I honestly wasn't sure which one he was that I'd met. I had a half-marathon the following morning but told him I'd go out the night following the race if he wanted to meet me then. I was so nervous. I still felt new to dating after so much of my college life spent with Anthony. I was reeling from the other disappointment, & I was just overall stressed. I almost bailed on meeting him & ignored his texts. But I didn't, & he came to the bar I was at (9d's), & we danced, & he bought me drinks.

He was silly & fun & made me feel beautiful & totally comfortable without even trying. I still was nervous though. I obviously knew he would leave the country, & I was suspicious when he asked me on a date. Who was this guy who actually asked me out to dinner to get to know me? Who was this person who knew he was leaving the country in two months but wanted to spend his time courting me? It wasn't anything I was familiar with. I remember talking to my mom several days later, giddily telling her that I'd met someone...& that he wasn't like other boys I'd known; he was different...& better. It felt so real so fast. But I still wasn't convinced in the States. Sometimes I thought it was too good to be true; other times, I still felt smothered. His friends left him to go back to Oz & soon, it was the end of the semester & Athens emptied. Al wanted to spend so much time together, & I had been loving my freedom too much to sacrifice it again. On two different occasions, I remember telling him that I had homework & couldn't hang out, simply so I could watch TV with Sadie without feeling the need to invite someone so new over to my house; I was possessive with my space, & I wasn't convinced...but I cared for him. & at the end of May, he went back to Australia.

I thought we would part as a good memory, & maybe I could visit him someday. But as the summer progressed, & I began to look into au pairing as a potential for after graduation, I was torn between au pairing in a French-speaking country or going to Australia (which I have always wanted to visit along with New Zealand) & seeing where things went with Al. As French families began to contact me though, I decided that I just needed to trust my heart & head down under. I cared enough to want to give it a shot, at least by being in the same country. It was definitely the right decision. I became even crazier about Al in the time I have spent here. He treated me so well & loved me so well & made me the best version of me. I was happy with him, & I was myself with him, & he was the opposite of all bad things about Anthony. He was the perfect man for me. He gave me my space & trusted me & invited me into his life & cared about being a part of mine. It was perfect.

I fell totally in love with him, & as we had to sometimes spend weeks apart, I was dying to tell him when I saw him again after his New Zealand trip; I had spent ages working up the courage to say those three words, & I was certain he felt the same because he treated me so lovingly. But over Christmas, when I joined him & his family in Adelaide & finally told him how I felt, the illusion was shattered, & I didn't receive the response I expected. In fact, I was totally blindsided. He cared for me, too, but he didn't love me in return. I told myself it was okay. I told myself I'd been too keen. But I really wanted to throw up & crawl under a rock & never come out. I knew we hadn't been together for years...but I couldn't fathom that all of the time I had spent loving him without saying it, he had felt nothing. I couldn't justify the "right" person knowing me & caring for me for as long as he had without developing those feelings. I began to question everything. I began to battle whether walking away from something so amazingly good was the right answer or staying in place, knowing that he couldn't give me what I needed. We had no problems. We liked spending time with each other, & everything about it was wonderful. But it lost its luster. I couldn't be happy much longer, knowing that I was pouring my love down the drain, & it wasn't reciprocated back to me. He talked the talk but he wasn't walking the walk. & I knew it was a matter of time before I became bitter that my needs weren't being met & lashed out. & I didn't want to be that person - that worst version of myself. It's not me, & he didn't deserve it. He never did a thing wrong to me; he simply didn't feel the same way.

So 24 hours ago, I let go of him, too. To say it was hard is the biggest understatement. It was devastatingly, heartbreakingly horrible. My heart aches. I cared so much, & I wanted him so much. He was so good to me, & he came to me right when I needed him. & I needed him much much longer than this. But I can't be happy being undervalued. My standard has always been that if I'm going to date someone, I have to be happier with them than on my own. & he might have been the first person with whom I was genuinely happier all of the time being a couple rather than being solo. I'm not someone who minds being solo. I think that things happen for a reason always, & I don't stress when I don't have anyone cause I always have myself, & I make myself pretty happy. But he made everything better...& we could have continued to be happy. I know we very easily could have dated until my visa expired & had fun & shared memories until then. But where does that leave me, exactly? On a 15-hour plane ride home to being alone. Literally my entire Australia experience would have included a relationship with someone who didn't want me past just having an American story to tell. I refuse.

So here I am again, my second "serious" relationship down, with a lot learned. I feel blessed to love myself. I feel blessed by the people who have come in & out of my life & particularly by the ones who have come & stayed. I only wish the puppy half of my heart was here with me, too.

I looked back at my graduation announcements this afternoon & the quote I included at the bottom still rings true: 

“I still may not know what I want to be when I grow up but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books & travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family & friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, & I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m working on.” – Anonymous

So I am wandering but not lost, have gained experience, & I am thankful to be in Australia finally, no matter what tipped the scale for my decision. I even have decided that I want to live here; I couldn't get tired of this beautiful place in several lifetimes! Grad school is on my radar for the future so why not come back & do it here? I'm excited for everything the future holds, & I am grateful for everything leading me toward it, come what f*cking may!

Peace,

Alli

The Great Ocean Road Trip + Australian Open

A trip that was totally unexpected for me in January (but absolutely worth the impulsive bookings) was my visit to the Great Ocean Road. The Great Ocean Road is the world's largest war memorial (built by returned soldiers & dedicated to soldiers killed in WWI) & arguably the most scenic drive in the world, situated between the cities of Melbourne, Victoria & Adelaide, South Australia.

While I was still in Adelaide over Christmas, I saw a post on an Australian backpackers' FB page from a girl I knew from Canberra, Clara, who wanted to plan a road trip on the Australia Day weekend & sought travel mates to share the cost. Clara lives in my suburb in Canberra, & we'd met once for coffee so I knew we would get along for the road trip. I have visited Melbourne once before but had filled my time there with Phillip Island, the Grampian Mountains, & several museums/city sights, so I have wanted to go back & do a Great Ocean Road trip, when possible. Additionally, due to Australia Day on Monday, I would have a long weekend & could be flexible around the trip as well as spend extra time in Melbourne; there's so much to do & see there! So, although I didn't really have the money for another trip, I scrounged it up & soon we were booked for a rental car for two days & one night in Port Campbell Hostel.

Day 1 - 24 January:
After an overnight Greyhound from Canberra, I arrived at Southern Cross Station in Melbourne CBD around 7:45 a.m. Clara & I would meet at the rental car office at 9 a.m. (She had been staying in Melbourne to explore prior to our trip), so I grabbed a chai latte at an internet cafe & had some time to email families on Au Pair World.

After we met, I was ecstatic that the car we had rented was a Hyundai i20 - the same model as the car I rented in Tasmania although this time the i20 was white, 2-door, & manual. I love this car! Clara & I had also rented a GPS & after determining that she prefers being passenger while I prefer driving, we set off toward Geelong then south to Torquay (birthplace of Rip Curl & Quicksilver) to begin our trip along the Great Ocean Road.

Walking to Bells Beach 

Bells Beach

The views were everything promised - beautiful white beaches, dramatic cliffs, looming mountains, and mysterious forests. We traveled through the cities of Anglesea and Aireys Inlet before stopping for lunch in Lorne. After some delicious wraps & smoothies, we took a short hike to Erskine Falls, which was the most hiking we had time for to be on schedule for sunset at the Twelve Apostles. Another fun side trip was our stop at Kennett River. Clara had made a detailed list of places to stop along the Great Ocean Road, & she had listed that we could see koalas at Kennett River...but nothing more specific about where to look. So as we passed the sign for Kennett River & then were on the bridge crossing the river, Clara scanned the nearby trees. All of a sudden, she shouted that she'd seen a koala, & I made a speedy U-turn to park beside the row of trees we had passed. Indeed, we both saw our first wild koala, alone, & hanging out in a tree right across from the beach, beside Kennett River. It was so cool!

Anglesea, VIC

GOR memorial sign

Lorne, VIC

Erskine Falls

All of the possible ways to die at Erskine Falls

Koala at Kennett River

The next scenic town was the city of Apollo Bay, the last stop before the road took a turn into Otway National Park. On the other side of the national park, we made a side stop that ended up being the one of the best along the trip, which was at Johanna Beach. We had been driving through countryside for some time & knew the ocean was to our left but could only see cows & pastures as far as the eye could see. We randomly saw a sign for Johanna Beach & decided to make the stop despite having never heard the name of this particular beach. It was absolutely beautiful & deserted. There were only a few lone beachgoers on the secluded beach but the view & waves were incredible. We stepped into the icy cold water to consider swimming but realized quickly that it would have been dangerous (& cold) to venture far into the water. The waves were massive & brutal & crashing into shore from 10 directions at once. Even standing ankle deep, several waves would crash at once, & we would suddenly be thigh-deep in water & nearly-dragged out to the wild ocean in front of us. It was so fun, though, to splash around in the water & see such a wild, rugged beach.

Huge waves at Johanna Beach

Following Johanna, we booked it straight to Port Campbell (but not before stopping at a sketchy biker bar with an old "bottle shop" sign to buy some champagne for the sunset). Sunset at the 12 Apostles was absolutely breathtaking with the soft glow over the stunning rock formations. I was also surprised by the lack of people there! I had expected a Saturday night sunset, during summer, on Australia Day weekend, to be packed & too touristy to get a great view but this was not the case. There were plenty of people, sure, but plenty of space & room for every single person to stand by the walkway railing & get a special private view.

These signs were all over the GOR...comforting.

The Twelve Apostles when we arrived

More apostles

 

Popping the cuvée

After sundown, we headed toward the Port Campbell shops, where we hoped to get a late dinner before arriving at our hostel for the night. On the way, our GPS took us down several gravel roads, where we stopped to pet "Bessie," our new horse friend. Just before we emerged out onto a main road again, we spotted five or six kangaroos beside our car. As they hopped away beside the car, we raced them down the gravel road then popped out onto the main highway by the shops. Not much in the small town was open so late so we ended up at a fine dining restaurant, where I enjoyed a Scotch filet with scalloped potatoes & vegetables. We retired to Port Campbell Hostel for a shower & rest before catching sunrise the following morning.

 

Day 2 - 25 January:
We arose at 5:45 to make the 6:30 a.m. sunrise at the 12 Apostles. Unfortunately, we experienced true Melbourne weather on Day 2, which is known to experience four seasons in one day. It was 10 degrees Celsius when we watched the sun rise, & I had only brought shorts, tank tops, & one light sweater on our trip. The sunrise was beautiful, particularly with the sun breaking through the storm clouds in the horizon. The sunrise group at the 12 Apostles lookout was significantly smaller than the sunset group but it was nice to get an early start to our day.

 

We had decided to drive the Great Ocean Road to Port Fairy before heading back to Melbourne CBD so we had about two hours left to drive in the morning. The sights on Sunday morning were some of the best of the entire trip, with gorgeous rock formations & beaches every five minutes following Port Campbell, it seemed.

Loch Ard Gorge

"The Arch"

London Bridge

The Grotto (my favorite side stop)

When we arrived at Port Fairy, it was sunny with a lovely chill to the air. We walked out to the water then enjoyed a pot of tea at a waterfront cafe. Port Fairy was my favorite beach of the entire trip. Rather than catering to Great Ocean Road-trippers, it seemed much more casually residential & just overall pleasant. It was a beautiful town centered around the water, & I would love to go back just for a quiet beach holiday. We walked toward a lighthouse we had seen from our lookout at tea then got in the car to head toward the Otways, where we hoped to see a few more koalas before departing the scenic route for a more direct highway.

Unfortunately, our unreliable GPS took us on dirt roads again, this time for hours. We had lovely farmland views but soon realized that we were not taking the most direct route back to the Otways & therefore had lost the time we had to spare there. The rental car was due back in the city at 4:30 p.m., so we opted to just take a highway directly back to Melbourne. We made it back with an hour to spare & parted ways to head to our separate hostels in the city (we had booked separately & last-minutedly but would potentially meet up on Monday). As it turned out, our hostels were side by side, as Clara discovered when she took a tram then ended up following me for several blocks, since I had walked from the rental car office (haha).

I spent the night at Melbourne Central YHA, which was lovely; I have had great experiences at Melbourne Metro YHA but tried the central location for it proximity to Australia Day events. Also, because of the holiday weekend & booking last-minute, I had booked into a 6-bed all-female dorm rather than the larger, mixed dorms I have been accustomed to. It was more expensive but so nice to relax in a smaller room with just other girls (with better hygiene on average, I'd say ;P) after a long two days of driving & sightseeing.

Day 3 - 26 January (Australia Day):
The last day of my Melbourne trip was spent absolutely perfectly! Prior to the trip, neither Clara nor I had plans for Australia Day but both would be around still. I had gotten in touch with a male au pair who formerly worked in Canberra & I had met once as he was friends with my family's former au pair. I knew that he had moved to au pair in Melbourne after his time in Canberra so I enquired about his Australia Day plans & to see if he had any suggestions for activities on in the city. Quentin recommended that we get ground passes to go the Australian Open. The passes were only $44 each & included entrance to the grounds as well as seats at any of the outdoor courts; only one indoor court was off-limits to our pass.

I have never followed tennis in any capacity although Al & his sister Shara both have played so I have seen matches on TV at their house. It was boring to me on television but I love the vibe at sporting events so I knew the day wouldn't disappoint. Live tennis was so much more interesting, & I had a blast! Clara also bought a ticket so the three of us (Clara, Quentin, & myself) took free trams from the city to Melbourne Park just before the first games began.

The first match we saw was a great starter for me. Quentin & Clara both follow tennis & wanted to see a French player, Fabrice Santoro, who was already out of the open but playing a legends' double in the morning. As an added perk, another tennis legend, Mansour Bahrami, played as his doubles partner versus Thomas Enqvist & Mats Wilander, both Swedish. As it turned out (& he is apparently known for), Bahrami was an incredibly entertaining athlete. He constantly grunted & moaned & yelled "YES!" when his opponents' serves didn't clear the net. He talked to the crowd & performed many trick shots, all the while playing a great game of tennis. We were laughing nonstop. 

Santoro & Bahrami

Hilarious watching the ball boys/girls scrub down the entire court with towels after rain. Seems like there should be an easer way to do this...

Legends' double

Santoro

Following the match, we grabbed a bite to eat & watched more tennis on the large screen outside, near the front of the grounds. We then wandered toward Hisense Arena & fully appreciated all of the cool stuff our ground pass got us into! We made a fun video with Macca's, went into the Heineken beer garden to watch Serena Williams v. Garbine Muguruza (Spain) on the big screen, & enjoyed the festival feel of the grounds.

This goes out to Annabel.

We finally went into Hisense Arena to watch Martina Hingis (with whom Clara & Quentin were familiar) & Flavia Pennetta v. Yung-Jan Chan & Jie Zheng. Next were some Americans (who unfortunately lost): Bob Bryan & Mike Bryan v. Dominic Inglot & Florin Mergea. Lastly, we saw Milos Raonic v. Feliciano Lopez, which was the first singles match I had really seen & was fabulous! I decided (randomly) to pull for Raonic, & I must have given him so luck, cause he was the winner! 

Hingis & Pennetta v. Chan & Zheng

Bryan & Bryan v. Inglot & Mergea

Raonic serving Lopez

At the end of the second set, however, I had to leave to catch the free tram back to the hostel. I retrieved my backpack, which was stored in a locker there, then walked the short distance to Southern Cross Station for my 8 p.m. Greyhound back to Canberra. It arrived at 4 a.m. Tuesday morning, & I caught a cab back home for the start of the last week of school holidays. It was a fabulously spent Australia Day weekend, even without the barbie & Triple J's Hottest 100. ;)

At the tram back to the CBD

Happy late Australia Day to all & to all a good night!

Cheers,
Alli