It's hard to leave a good thing & in both situations, I left something very valuable to me behind. With Anthony, I felt so overwhelmed with love. He did everything by the book. The boy really loved me. He knew my favorite flower & my favorite candy & left them outside of my home when I'd had a bad day. He took me to the French restaurant I wanted for our one-year, & every Valentine's was special with flowers & gifts & dinners & movies. He loved me well but he also wanted me to do what he wanted, & we fought frequently because I resented his attempt at control. His love was smothering. I virtually quit my social life with him & hung out with the prescribed friends we shared - his or mutual wakeboarding friends. I had nobody of my own. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't what I wanted. I tried to escape several times, actually ending it once for a week & trying to end it multiple other times. I tried to enjoy nights out with friends but it was hard when I knew he'd pick me up, drunk, & guilt-trip me for the rest of the night because he didn't like me when I drank. I'd invite him out to join me & my friends, & he'd be mad that I kept tripping in my heels. He was always the designated driver, always the responsible one, always the one who wanted me to be serious & not as much fun. So I became serious & not as much fun. & I watched my old friends slowly disappear, & I watched a hedge growing between me & the people I cared about - a hedge that he planted & nursed daily. I brought him to parties with me, where he'd sulk unless I talked exclusively to him & wanted to leave early.
I reminded myself of all of the wonderful things he did - how his way must be right because he was such a good person...& he was. But he wasn't good for me at all. When I ended it, my heart split in two, but only because I knew I had so deeply hurt him. We cried & cried, & it was one of the hardest things I've ever done but in truth, I was relieved. I felt free. I spent the best summer of my life then the best two semesters of my life to wrap up my undergrad. I met more people & had more fun in nine months without Anthony than I ever had in the three years that my life was consumed by him. I didn't regret my time with him; I learned a lot, & we went through a lot together. But I was so happy to be out. & he'd thank me now - he marries his now-fiancée sometime this year. & I am happy because he is a wonderful person, & he deserves a wonderful life.
But then I moved on. I fell in love with someone that didn't work out, & I was physically sick with a broken heart. Then in the midst of that sickening angst, I met Al. It's always funny how the right thing can just fall into your lap, & he was 100 percent the right thing for me. I met him upstairs at one of my least favorite bars in Athens - but one that I frequented with friends for cheap drinks, despite the typically freshman crowd. I saw a girl I knew & liked from my women's studies class, who was British, & she introduced me to some of the international students she was out with. In a matter of minutes, Al had pulled me away from the group, charmed me with his Aussie accent (which I originally thought was an act), monopolized my attention, & got my number. I left for another bar shortly with my friends, thinking that like every other boy in that college town, I'd never see him again. But the next day, he texted me. He wanted to meet. I wasn't sure; I honestly wasn't sure which one he was that I'd met. I had a half-marathon the following morning but told him I'd go out the night following the race if he wanted to meet me then. I was so nervous. I still felt new to dating after so much of my college life spent with Anthony. I was reeling from the other disappointment, & I was just overall stressed. I almost bailed on meeting him & ignored his texts. But I didn't, & he came to the bar I was at (9d's), & we danced, & he bought me drinks.
He was silly & fun & made me feel beautiful & totally comfortable without even trying. I still was nervous though. I obviously knew he would leave the country, & I was suspicious when he asked me on a date. Who was this guy who actually asked me out to dinner to get to know me? Who was this person who knew he was leaving the country in two months but wanted to spend his time courting me? It wasn't anything I was familiar with. I remember talking to my mom several days later, giddily telling her that I'd met someone...& that he wasn't like other boys I'd known; he was different...& better. It felt so real so fast. But I still wasn't convinced in the States. Sometimes I thought it was too good to be true; other times, I still felt smothered. His friends left him to go back to Oz & soon, it was the end of the semester & Athens emptied. Al wanted to spend so much time together, & I had been loving my freedom too much to sacrifice it again. On two different occasions, I remember telling him that I had homework & couldn't hang out, simply so I could watch TV with Sadie without feeling the need to invite someone so new over to my house; I was possessive with my space, & I wasn't convinced...but I cared for him. & at the end of May, he went back to Australia.
I thought we would part as a good memory, & maybe I could visit him someday. But as the summer progressed, & I began to look into au pairing as a potential for after graduation, I was torn between au pairing in a French-speaking country or going to Australia (which I have always wanted to visit along with New Zealand) & seeing where things went with Al. As French families began to contact me though, I decided that I just needed to trust my heart & head down under. I cared enough to want to give it a shot, at least by being in the same country. It was definitely the right decision. I became even crazier about Al in the time I have spent here. He treated me so well & loved me so well & made me the best version of me. I was happy with him, & I was myself with him, & he was the opposite of all bad things about Anthony. He was the perfect man for me. He gave me my space & trusted me & invited me into his life & cared about being a part of mine. It was perfect.
I fell totally in love with him, & as we had to sometimes spend weeks apart, I was dying to tell him when I saw him again after his New Zealand trip; I had spent ages working up the courage to say those three words, & I was certain he felt the same because he treated me so lovingly. But over Christmas, when I joined him & his family in Adelaide & finally told him how I felt, the illusion was shattered, & I didn't receive the response I expected. In fact, I was totally blindsided. He cared for me, too, but he didn't love me in return. I told myself it was okay. I told myself I'd been too keen. But I really wanted to throw up & crawl under a rock & never come out. I knew we hadn't been together for years...but I couldn't fathom that all of the time I had spent loving him without saying it, he had felt nothing. I couldn't justify the "right" person knowing me & caring for me for as long as he had without developing those feelings. I began to question everything. I began to battle whether walking away from something so amazingly good was the right answer or staying in place, knowing that he couldn't give me what I needed. We had no problems. We liked spending time with each other, & everything about it was wonderful. But it lost its luster. I couldn't be happy much longer, knowing that I was pouring my love down the drain, & it wasn't reciprocated back to me. He talked the talk but he wasn't walking the walk. & I knew it was a matter of time before I became bitter that my needs weren't being met & lashed out. & I didn't want to be that person - that worst version of myself. It's not me, & he didn't deserve it. He never did a thing wrong to me; he simply didn't feel the same way.
So 24 hours ago, I let go of him, too. To say it was hard is the biggest understatement. It was devastatingly, heartbreakingly horrible. My heart aches. I cared so much, & I wanted him so much. He was so good to me, & he came to me right when I needed him. & I needed him much much longer than this. But I can't be happy being undervalued. My standard has always been that if I'm going to date someone, I have to be happier with them than on my own. & he might have been the first person with whom I was genuinely happier all of the time being a couple rather than being solo. I'm not someone who minds being solo. I think that things happen for a reason always, & I don't stress when I don't have anyone cause I always have myself, & I make myself pretty happy. But he made everything better...& we could have continued to be happy. I know we very easily could have dated until my visa expired & had fun & shared memories until then. But where does that leave me, exactly? On a 15-hour plane ride home to being alone. Literally my entire Australia experience would have included a relationship with someone who didn't want me past just having an American story to tell. I refuse.
So here I am again, my second "serious" relationship down, with a lot learned. I feel blessed to love myself. I feel blessed by the people who have come in & out of my life & particularly by the ones who have come & stayed. I only wish the puppy half of my heart was here with me, too.
I looked back at my graduation announcements this afternoon & the quote I included at the bottom still rings true:
“I still may not know what I want to be when I grow up but I do know
that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books & travel
souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered
with photos of my family & friends. When I leave the house I will be going
to a job I love, & I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m
working on.” – Anonymous
So I am wandering but not lost, have gained experience, & I am thankful to be in Australia finally, no matter what tipped the scale for my decision. I even have decided that I want to live here; I couldn't get tired of this beautiful place in several lifetimes! Grad school is on my radar for the future so why not come back & do it here? I'm excited for everything the future holds, & I am grateful for everything leading me toward it, come what f*cking may!
Peace,
Alli
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